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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23794747">Thank You</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/brokebackdeancas/pseuds/brokebackdeancas'>brokebackdeancas</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supernatural</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Dean's Top 13 Zepp Traxx Mixtape, Fluff, Grieving Dean Winchester, Led Zeppelin References, M/M, Past Jessica Moore/Sam Winchester, Suicide thoughts</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 22:53:56</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,143</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23794747</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/brokebackdeancas/pseuds/brokebackdeancas</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Last time he had lost Cas, Dean had lost faith in pretty much anything. It scared the hell out of him, how much losing that one person could bring his whole world down to the point Dean felt like nothing mattered anymore. To the point he would rather <em>die<em>  than have to live without Cas.</em></em></p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Castiel &amp; Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>24</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Thank You</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Cas' room has never had anything personal, but after what happened, it feels even more empty than it already was. Dean is sitting on a bed no one has ever slept in, holding a box with '<em>photos</em>' written on it. He opens it and spills its content on the clean sheets beside him. There are a lot of photos of Mary, his brother and he, he also finds some with his dad in it. Bobby, Ellen, Jo at the Roadhouse. Dean and Charlie LARPing. Kevin smiling with bags under his eyes. It hurts, looking at all the hopeful smiles on each person in there, knowing that Dean has lost most of them. All the people that had put their trust in Dean, that helped them, are dead, and obviously he’s taking the fault for that, for all of them. It’s the Winchester’s curse after all, self-pity and self-blame for everything bad that happens in the world.</p><p>Dean tries to take his mind off those thoughts, and keeps rummaging in the box, looking for someone else’s smile. He finds the photos he was looking for at the bottom of the box, latched together with an old falling-into-pieces rubber band – Castiel's pictures. Family like pictures with Claire and with Jack. Team free will drinking a beer after a hunt. Random ugly-ass selfies with his typical grumpy frown or where he wasn’t even looking in the camera. But he was happy, and smiling wide almost like he was certain everything would have been okay. Dean knows the truth now, a little late, but he knows about Cas’ deal. <em>It’ll get me the moment it knows I’m happy</em>, Cas had said. But why back then at that exact moment? Couldn’t he tell them, or at least <em>him</em>, before? Dean would have never done what he did if he had known what was going on with Cas. Although he’s boiling with rage right now, Dean can’t just set aside the way his stomach has dropped with the only sight of his angel <em>still alive</em>, all happy and on cloud nine. He knows Cas decided to keep this for himself ‘cause they already had a fuck ton of things to worry about, but without him by his side, it all feels meaningless and with no way to escape. Everything Dean has been feeling like doing since Cas was taken away directly from his arms is lying down on his bed and scream right into the pillow until he runs out of breath. Or well, until he fucking suffocates himself. Last time he had lost Cas, Dean had lost faith in pretty much anything. It scared the hell out of him, how much losing that one person could bring his whole world down to the point Dean felt like nothing mattered anymore. To the point he would rather <em>die </em>than have to live without Cas.</p><p>Dean doesn’t even know how bad he should feel right now. Cas did save Jack with his deal, and thanks to that they probably will be able to defeat Chuck once and for all, but their dorky best friend won’t be there with them while dealing with it. Not that Dean is one hundred percent sure they’ll survive Apocalypse 2.0, but still. They could have died together - holding hands, looking into each other’s eyes, or one of those sappy things he would never admit he secretly craves. Honestly, fuck it. He’s being so damn emotional, and for what? The guy is dead. He’s in the empty. And Dean can’t do jack about it. And he <em>hates </em>it.</p><p>As Dean is trying to hold back tears to avoid erupting in an ugly breakdown, he hears a knock at the door.</p><p>"Dean, are you there?"</p><p>Dean quickly gathers the photos and puts them back in the box, setting it aside, before letting Sam in. He doesn’t look that shocked to find his brother in Castiel’s room, red eyes, hunched over, and all.</p><p>"Hey, you weren't in your room, so I figured – you could be here.” Then adds, a bit of concern in his voice: “how you feeling?"</p><p>Sam knows about Castiel’s deal and has also dealt with Dean losing Cas before, there’s no point in asking him if he’s okay when he’s clearly not. Dean hates making his little brother worry, but he can’t blame the guy, wondering how wretched he probably looks from the outside – and the inside is even worse. He doesn’t even know how to answer the question since he can’t really put the finger on what he’s felling. A mixture of anger towards whatever the fuck is going on with his life, ache from having just seen the photos of all the people he had loved, longing for something he wished he had a ton of years ago and that he will never have. But mostly Dean just feels hollow. Like something was scooped out of him, leaving a hole that he’s not sure how he’s supposed to fill. But it just keeps growing bigger and bigger, with every second that goes by.</p><p>Dean hears the bed squeak beside him and Sam’s hand patting his shoulder in a calming way. They had never talked about Dean’s feelings, but he is pretty sure that smartass of a brother he has had figured it out since the beginning, probably even before Dean himself knew. He still doesn’t want to put his bargain on Sam’s shoulders, but having someone to talk to that has been through the same thing couldn’t be that bad.</p><p>“How did you cope… when Jess died?” Dean asks in a whisper, not even daring to turn his face to Sam and keeping glaring at his hands in his lap instead. Jessica had always been a hard topic, her being Sam’s first real love and being so brutally murder practically in front of his eyes, but he needed to know how to get over this thing. For the sake of his family. For the sake of the <em>world</em>.</p><p>Sam inhales and moves his hand away, resting his elbows on his knees to lean on them. When he talks, his voice is firm but gentle, speaking like he’s trying to calm down a rabid dog.</p><p>“You saw me. I put my entire self into work. My mind was so focussed on finding dad and hunting that it decided on itself to put thoughts about Jess way far in the back of my head. Trying to, you know, not breaking down at any spare second I had. But let me tell you, it wasn’t healthy ‘cause I was just avoiding the inevitable, and sooner or later I had to face it.”</p><p><em>Pain</em>. That’s what Dean’s feeling. Sam’s words are needles that pinch his skin with every syllable, some sort of a masochist acupuncture that sends shivers down his whole body. Dean does remember Sam practically shutting off his emotions and becoming a cold and stiff vessel, a monster-killing and research-dedicated machine. He didn’t know how it felt back in the days, but now Dean kind of understands what it was like. Losing the person you love the most. He had been there for his brother, but he wishes he could have done more.</p><p>Dean’s throat hurts from the hard-to-swallow lump that has formed in there, he really doesn’t want to cry, ‘cause tears won’t solve shit. So Dean glances up, eyeing the ceiling and picturing a bright blue sky during a sunny day behind it, wondering if Cas is somewhere up there.</p><p>“I know it must pretty hard for you Dean,” continues Sam, “but at least you got other things to focus on, as I did. It may not be healthy, but since we’re in this hell of a situation… that’s probably for the best. Please, just don’t… don’t go tour bars and empty bottle after bottle, okay? That’s only gonna make you feel worse.”</p><p>Alcohol. Dean didn’t even think about getting himself so drunk he’ll even forget who he is. A bottle of beer, whiskey, tequila shots, or whatever comfort drink he could have, doesn’t fit in the hole he has inside him. They’ll leave all those empty spaces in between them, so it doesn’t matter. Dean would still think about Cas. And that undoubtedly scares him, ‘cause he has always used alcohol as a coping mechanism, even when Cas had died before, but it feels so useless this time.</p><p>Dean sighs and shrugs, shooting a quick glance at Sam – he’s not surprised to see his typical puppy eyes. That actually warms his heart a bit.</p><p>“That’s the problem, Sammy. I don’t wanna drink, I don’t <em>feel </em>like drinking. I don’t know why.”</p><p>“Well, even better. Maybe you’re getting over your shitty coping mechanisms.”</p><p>No, he isn’t. Dean is sure that being seconds away from swallowing every pill that he finds in the bunker until he overdoses, or simply pulling the trigger on his fucking temple isn’t quite a better coping mechanism than alcoholism. Who knows, maybe that’s how he finally goes down. The Great Dean Winchester, killed by his very archenemy: him-fucking-self. He doesn’t know if his suicide is in one of Billie’s notebooks, but he’ll probably find out if he goes straight-headed down this path. And this is something Dean’s definitely not gonna tell Sam. His brother knows how low his self-esteem has always been, but he doesn’t necessarily need to know that Dean has been having suicidal thoughts too. Seriously talking, would people really be affected by his instant disappearing? Sam, probably, yes, but he got over it once, he can make it another time. Dean knows <em>he’s got work to do</em>, but the world would have Sam, Jack, Eileen. He doesn’t matter <em>that</em> much, especially if he’s <em>that</em> down he can’t even put his head straight into work.</p><p>And all of this for one man. Dean still can’t believe how Cas affected his life in such a deep manner, he will have to scratch away every single cell of his being to forget him, if only he would want to. All it took was quirked eyebrows, messy dark hair, and ocean eyes, and Dean was completely lost for the guy. Fifteen years ago he would have never imagined one day he would have fallen in love with a real-life angel.</p><p>Dean’s trailing off. Sam is still sat beside him and again, he doesn’t need to know all of this. He shakes his head and finally looks at his brother.</p><p>“Sorry. I was just thinking about… stuff. Thank you, for being here for me.”</p><p>Sam smiled at him.</p><p>“No problem Dean, I’m always here for you.” Then adds, eyeing Dean: “you want me to leave you alone?”</p><p>Sam knows him to damn well. Dean nods, whispering another feeble ‘thank you’, as he watches Sam getting up from the bed and leaving the room.</p><p>Dean is once again all alone in Cas’ bedroom, with no fewer questions or pain. He hates this world, he’s been hating it for his whole life, but without Cas in it, it feels even more lonely. Dean wishes he hadn’t had the courage to finally walk up to him, after <em>twelve </em>years, and cry his heart out on how he felt. It feels like that freeing rant happened months ago when really it was just the day before yesterday. Cas had stood there without saying a word until Dean had finished, and the moment he had started mumbling I’m sorry after I’m sorry, he had felt hands cupping the sides of his face and thumbs stroking his cheeks, wiping his tears away. How was Cas that damn calm when he knew he was about to die? Jesus Christ, he hates him. But he <em>loves </em>him. He loves a dead man. What is he supposed to do now?</p><p>Before Dean can answer his own question with something serious and maybe too definitive, he gets up and walks to his room, grabbing his walkman from the nightstand. When Dean gets back in Cas’ room, he opens every drawer in there trying to find the mixtape he gave the angel three years ago. For what he knows, Cas could have thrown that away or forgot it somewhere, but Dean still goes through every inch of the room, ‘cause if it is not in there he’s <em>really</em> afraid of what he might do to himself. The corners of his lips curl up in the shadow of a smile when Dean finds the notorious <em>Dean’s top 13 Zepp Traxx</em> that he made as a gift for Cas so that he could listen to top-tier music, making him avoid those shitty pop songs that always get played on the radio. Dean inserts the mixtape in the walkman and closes it with a click. Cas had never told him if he had listened to it, but Dean prefers thinking that he did, and he’s actually imagining them in the Impala, on a 4-hours-long road trip with those only 13 songs played all over again. While he’s in this idyllic trance – he hasn’t even played any of the songs yet – and he’s almost closing his eyes, he notices a piece of paper with what seems like notes written on it in the still-open drawer. Dean takes it out and reads the title, which was written in a bigger font: <em>Dean’s music reviews</em> with a little heart near his name. Cas had definitely listened to the mixtape, and he had been that invested that he also had written stuff about the songs! So right there, Dean finds another reason – among the other million – why he loves Castiel so much. Even little things like this can make the stiff hunter’s heart that Dean has melt to the point where his legs feel that weak that he’s struggling to just stand. He decides to move to the bed, leaning the pillow on the headboard so that he can sit comfortably. Dean pushes the play button as <em>All My Love</em> starts playing. He straightens the paper in his hands and starts reading Cas’ notes while tunes resound in his head.</p><p>
  <em>Song probably about love. Maybe a past relationship or an irrecoverable one? A child also may be involved as specified in the second chorus. Also probably a boy, since he’s speaking to a him after the instrumental part. Update: I did a little research, and turns out the singer was in fact talking about his deceased son. At first he’s mourning him and even when time has passed he still asks himself if he’s ready to move on. Luckily, he finds the strength in his wife and he believes that one day they’ll actually be okay. Love conquers all, am I right?</em>
</p><p>Not only did Cas made what seems likely a live commentary while listening to the songs, but he also <em>looked them up</em>. He actually went on the internet, typed the name of the song, and read stuff about it. The reasons he loves Castiel might have just been raised to a million and two. All of this is bringing his mood up a bit, luckily, and he can hear the angel’s voice saying the words he wrote. It’s still that deep, raspy voice Dean had learned to love, so calming and relaxing that he almost feels like falling asleep. Dean fights to keep his eyes open, imagining scenarios where they would listen to these songs together, while he listens to the tracks and goes through Castiel’s notes.</p><p>Other than the typical road trip in the Impala, Dean daydreams about Castiel learning how to fish over the notes of <em>Ramble On</em>, and Dean pointing out every <em>Lord of The Rings</em> reference – Cas, obviously, wrote every single one on his notes. Dean running up to the karaoke stage without second-thinking himself, trying to drag Cas along but giving up to his begging ‘please’s, shouting the lyrics from <em>Heartbreaker</em> out of his lungs once he gets on the microphone. Late-night dates spent watching the stars in the first clearing they find in the woods, Dean laughing when Cas points out that <em>Stairway to Heaven </em>doesn’t make any sense since the way to heaven is through a portal, but then leaning in and dragging him into soft kisses. Them fooling around in Dean’s bed with <em>Black Dog</em> playing, every thrust in perfect sync with the song’s tunes. Or sweeter lovemaking listening to <em>I Can’t Quit You Baby</em>.</p><p>Dean realizes he has tears running down his cheeks only when he arrives at the last song. Cas’ notes are a little wet but still readable, and Dean sets them aside as he allows himself to keep crying. He knows he’s never going to have any of those things with Cas, but somehow picturing them happy and without a worry makes his heart ache a little less. Maybe thinking about him in these terms is not so bad after all. It may even help with his grieving. Dean feels a little involuntary smile spreading across his face as he tastes the salty tears that fall on his lips. Just an hour ago he was wondering how killing himself would have affected the people around him and now he’s <em>smiling</em>, thinking about his and Cas’ impossible storylines. Dean’s real fucking far from okay, but perhaps this is his way of going forward. Cas would have never wanted for him to turn bad thoughts over in his mind, so maybe he needs to do this, even if it’s just for Cas. Dean hasn’t stopped crying but since he feels his lids heavier than before, he decides to grab the notes back and go through the last song, <em>Thank You</em>, before lying on the bed and gently falling asleep, the records still playing in his head.</p><p><em>Definitely another love song. The singer says to a woman that no matter what great catastrophe happens in the world, he would still be loving her. He wants to give his everything to the woman and be with her until they die. The song just keeps going, even the moment you think it ends, the piano and the guitar play some last high notes. It could represent the never-ending love story between the singer and the woman, it’s like they cling into one another in a dance that never stops, that doesn’t actually have an ending. It just reminds me so much of Dean. I honestly don’t know how my story will end, how </em>our <em>story will end, so I just like to think that it never will. I love Dean with my entire being and everything I hope for him is to grow old and finally rest in peace afterward. Unfortunately, I don’t age, but I will be there with him through every second of his life, no matter what. Even if I will die at some point, I’ll protect him from wherever I’ll be. I’ll watch over him.</em></p>
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